The Sacrilegious Consumption of Chicken

It is a well known and widely accepted fact that the Colonel is more God than he is human. I think the ratio lies around about 2 parts God for every 1 part human. From hundreds of thousands of different possibilities, he himself managed to pick out THE eleven secret herbs and spices which would culminate a feeling similar to sex, only in a delicious, edible form. Every day, millions (that’s right, millions) of people flock to his restaurants as a daily act of surrender to the immortal being known as Colonel Sanders.

However, I have recently seen a distinct lack of respect in worshipers towards the Colonel. I am appalled at the disorderly conduct of the general KFC congregation. So, I have created a document which describes the proper way to pay your respects. I demand that it be implemented into every restaurant immediately.

Pre Meal:
Before an order of sacrifice is made, worshipers must first declare allegiance to the Colonel. This can simply be done by kneeling in front of a picture of the Colonel, and stating out loud: “I hereby willingly hand my soul over to the army of the Colonel”. Statues can be implemented in more heavily attended restaurants. Once this is completed, and the Colonel is pleased, a meal can be ordered. This must be done by contacting a member of staff (who will henceforth be known as priests. Or chosen ones.) who will pass a monetary offering into a complex machine known as a tithe register, which bears resemblance to a cash register, but also displays many properties attributed to the ark of the covenant in the Christian belief.

Once the sacrifice of chicken has been made by a priest, it is placed in a bucket and handed to the worshiper, in thanks of the offering given. At this moment, the worshiper must once again kneel before a poster (or statue) of the Colonel, hold the bucket above their head and give thanks for the meal. This step is absolutely vital, and can result in excommunication if not conducted properly. After this, the meal can be consumed.

During Meal:
Many laws surround the consumption of the meal.

• Every meal must have at least one serve of chicken and 100 calories.
• Meals must be wholly consumed within the building. Anyone who eats anywhere else is displeasing in the Colonel’s eyes.
• No artificial implement must be used to consume the meal, as it is considered to contaminate the food. The only exception to this rule is a little red plastic spoon which can be used to effectively eat Potato & Gravy (P&G).
• Chips have a set of regulations in the way they are to be consumed. If chips are included in the same meal as P&G, they must be individually dipped into the P&G until one is completely diminished. This is the recommended method of eating P&G (as opposed to the spoon method). If a burger is included in a meal along with chips, the burger must be opened up and have the middle lined with chips. This is regarded as the duty of worshipers and not of priests. If none of these objects are in the meal with chips, be sure that it complies with the first law. If so, they can be consumed alone.
• Unless you are under the age of twelve, or are ordering on behalf of someone aged under twelve, it is considered childish to include Popcorn Chicken in your meal. It is weak.
• Mountain Dew is deemed as the most pleasing drink to accompany your offering. However, all other drinks sold at KFC are still worthy.

Post Meal:
Once the meal has been completely finished, it is to be followed up with a burp and a prayer of gratification. After this, worshipers are permitted to leave. Some believe that cleaning up afterwards grants good luck for the day ahead.

Miscellaneous:
This ritual must be performed at least once a week. Restaurants shall henceforth be referred to as shrines or temples. These are the laws which will ensure a pleasing attitude from the Colonel. Please abide by them to properly respect him for his great contribution towards the global society.